All good

Up until now I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable with how… comfortable I have been feeling these days. Crazy, I know. As is the case with most issues in my life, acceptance seems to be the key. And so I’m finally accepting the difficult truth that life is pretty damn good right now. (I can feel the sympathy radiating from every direction.) It’s good not to be saddled with a full-time job, for however long it might last. At first it was weird, but now it’s just plain sweet. I hate being in harness and, for now, I’m not in harness. Hence, the goodness.

One of things I’m particularly enjoying about having my new found freedom is that I get to play a lot. Aside from my usual antics with the guitar, I’ve rediscovered the sublime joy of playing outside. I’ve never had my own back yard, until now, and so the eight-year-old in me just had to turn it into my own private fun-zone. I bought a 4×6 soccer goal at Target, and ordered the lawn game Ladderball. Next on the list is a ping-pong table (although that will require a playmate). I’ll be 41 in less than two weeks, and I get to spend time, every day, playing in my back yard. And I feel great. It’s funny how little I’ve changed in the last thirty years. I can still spend hours making up games to keep myself amused and engaged in the absence of a companion. “Right vs. Left” is one of my all-time favorites. Yesterday, my left foot was finally able to defeat my right foot in a soccer shooting contest. It was a big moment for ol’ lefty, especially considering all he’s been through with the recent knee injury and surgery. The left hand, however, has been getting consistently drubbed in Ladderball by the right hand. I guess that’s why they call it the “dominant” hand. In any event, I’ve rediscovered that sweet spot where getting lost in my imagination meets being completely present in my body. And it’s all good.

I’m also getting in pretty good shape. Who woulda thought that playing soccer in the yard would be better for my health and fitness than sitting at a desk entering accounting invoices. The More You Know!

I’ve also been reading and playing music and getting plenty of sleep and not shaving and goofing around in countless other ways. And I’m done with the guilt. Done with not enjoying this situation to the full. Of course I’ve been “productive” in some ways too, as I also do just about all the housework and run all the errands and make it so my wife can focus 100% on her new job. It’s a win – win. And I have studied for and taken the GRE, applied to graduate school, searched for jobs almost daily and sent out about fifteen applications, and chipped away at several long-term creative projects. I’m getting shit done, and I’m NEVER bored. Not for one second. I don’t know that I’ve ever been bored when my time is my own. At school and on the job, yes, of course — but never when my mind and body are free to expand and express.

This is the life I have been given to live, and although I’ve done nothing to deserve it, I may as well enjoy it while it lasts.