It was quite a trial to break free from the nefarious clutches of AOL. Those fuckers used Nazi mind-control tactics on me last night when I tried to cancel service. First of all, they set up their website so that it is IMPOSSIBLE to cancel service online. I spent an hour just to get to a support chat-room with some fuck named “Topey” who jerked me around and sidestepped my request for fifteen minutes. I finally demanded a phone number to speak with a human, and I got this psycho-bitch-from-hell who REFUSED to cancel my service.
Me: “I’d like to cancel my service, please.”
AOL: “I’m so sorry to hear that Mr. Dust. May I ask why?”
Me: “I just don’t need it any more. Anyway, I’d just like to go ahead and cancel now, please.”
AOL: “But Mr. Dust, I don’t think you understand the level of security we provide for you. You wouldn’t want someone to hack into your computer and steal your identity, would you?”
Me: “Look. I don’t care. Just cancel my service.”
AOL: “Is it the price Mr. Dust? Because we can…”
Me: “No. Look, you are wasting my time right now. I’ve been trying to cancel my service for an hour now, and I’m starting to get very frustrated.”
AOL: “I’ll tell you what Mr. Dust, we’ll give you two months free…”
Me: “Now you’re starting to really piss me off. If you don’t cancel my service right now, I’m going to hang up, call my credit card company, and report you to the Better Business Bureau.”
AOL: “I’m sorry Mr. Dust, I didn’t mean to upset you. I will cancel your account right now, but you’ll be happy to know that you can keep your screen name and password and continue to use your email just as before, for free. It’s just our way of maintaining a relationship with you. Before I can process your cancellation request, I need to transfer you to our legal department… ” Ring, ring… [Insert appropriate “Hotel California” lyrics here]
Click! Fucking Nazi bastards. I better make sure my mother doesn’t ever get on the phone with an AOL rep. They’ll be harvesting her for bone marrow or stem cells by the end of the call.
End of rant.