This is my first post of the new year, not because I don’t have anything to say but because I don’t have anything good to say. Being sick has clouded my perception, and I find myself worrying that I’ll never snap out of it, that I’m all tapped out of vitality and creativity. I certainly feel a great deal of compassion for anyone who suffers from poor health. All I have is some sort of flu thing, and I feel like I’m losing my spiritual marbles.
This time of year tends to be tough for me. It’s probably just the winter blues, and I’m just blowing it all out of proportion. With me, everything has to have some great spiritual significance. I have trouble accepting sometimes that I’m just a regular shlub, no different than the next guy. Even getting sick wounds my pride as well as my body, and you’ll often hear me say things like “I never get sick,” as if my typical state of good health is evidence of self-mastery or a high level of psycho-spiritual development. Yeah, I’m a piece of work, that’s for sure.
Overblown ego aside, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to be concerned (okay, obsessed!) with ones state of spiritual fortitude. Narcissistic though it may be, I like feeling as if every obstacle in my life needs to handled just right, like there’s something on the line in all that I do. My wife and I watched a Harry Potter movie (Goblet of Fire) the other night, and something lit up in me. With Harry, everything he does is part of some grand destiny, and however grandiose is might seem (and probably is), I’ve been happiest in my life when I feel the same way, like every move I make is just as it should be, not preordained necessarily, but at least congruent with the full unfolding of my deepest intentions and potential.
At one point in Goblet of Fire Harry uses a spell to propel himself to the surface of the Black Lake. Say it with me now: ASCENDIO!
Hmmm… I still feel like crap. What the hell? I guess there must be some magic key or something I’m supposed to find down here before I can come up for air. Yeah, that’s it, a magic key. Then, enlightenment shall at last be mine. IT SHALL BE MI…(interrupted by a hacking cough).