The life and times of Isaac Dust
All the colors fading into grey
Pull a string and push it all away
Right beside the Bible on the bed
A blister where you kissed her on the forehead
Tell me, how am I supposed to find The City
I remember I could see the marquee
But all the other streets were foggy
Now, how am I supposed to find The City
Sinking like the tide into the sand
Under what I think I understand
Echoes empty shell under the sun
I wonder was it thunder or a shot-gun
It never ceases to amaze me how much energy can be channeled through an acoustic guitar and a strong set of pipes. Watching this performance by Thom Yorke makes me want to lock myself in my room for a day with my guitar.
My wife is in Mexico doing Anthropology research for the next six weeks. I miss her terribly, and the loneliness pushes me to reach out, presently in the form of this sentence. Today I helped a friend move all his stuff from one house to another. It was exhausting, yet satisfying on many levels. After getting him squared away with all the heavy furniture, I had to head back home because my boss had called me into work. I teach teenagers how to cope with addiction and other psychological problems. I had planned to lead a discussion about “self-centeredness” tonight, but a co-worker called and offered to work the shift for me at the last minute. I was happy to accept, and so I grabbed my guitar and jammed awhile instead.
I’m incredibly self-centered, especially when it comes to my “free time.” I agonized over the thought that I was going to spend my precious day off lugging someone else’s furniture around. Then when my boss called me into work, I could only shake my head in disgust. Giving up my “me time” for a friend and eightteen teenaged drug addicts? Not an easy pill for me to swallow. But the truth is, I had a good time helping my friend out. And I enjoy teaching, especially when I can draw on my personal experiences and help myself find clarity in the process of helping others.
So, with a lonely heart and thoughts about self-centeredness sparking through the axons and dendrites, I picked up my guitar and was visited by a short, simple tune, which I quickly recorded and now offer up to those with ears and powerful computers.
Tell me your secret
How long have you been weightless?
Don’t let me keep it
You know I’ll only waste it.
Don’t look away
I’m so afraid that you’re not really here.
Don’t walk away
I’m so afraid that you might disappear.
Now that things have settled down a bit and a new, post-wedding phase is dawning, I’ve resolved to pick up the red thread of my creative process via regular blogging, recording and podcasting. I had some serious mojo and momentum going a couple of months ago, and I don’t want to slip back into the fog like I always seem to do following a burst of insight and creative inspiration. So, without further ado, here’s my lastest audio journal entry, an exploration of some of the more haunting thoughts and sensations rattling around inside of me these days. The chorus and outro have reared their heads a few times in recent years, while the verses have been germinating for only a matter of weeks.
I’m also interested in making some connections within the blogosphere, so I will be reaching out to some kindred spirits across the ether waves in hopes of finding fellowship.
Since moving to Kentucky a few years ago (my wife’s in graduate school here) my main source of intellectual stimulation has been the Integral Naked Forum, a group of people united by their interest in the work of philosopher Ken Wilber. My ten bucks per month gave me access to weekly audio and video dialogue and whatnot, but I stuck around for the privilege of interacting with some highly intelligent, sensitive people with wide ranging interests and a deep commitment to truth.
I cancelled my subscription recently for two main reasons: First of all, I got bored with the audio and video stuff, which started to sound more and more like commercials for an ever-expanding line of “integral” products. When I realized how many blogs and free forums there are out there, I could no longer justify the monthly ten-spot. Secondly, I became increasingly alarmed by what I perceive as a “cult vibe,” which seems to be getting stronger and more insidious as Wilber prepares to catapult himself and his Integral Institute into the public sphere like never before with the launching of the Integral Multiplex.
So, now I’m trying to make new connections in the blogosphere and in public forums, so that I can stay plugged into some sources of interactive intellectual stimulation. Thus far, it’s been fairly fruitful. I’m now participating on the Ken Wilber Forum on the Integral World site, and I’ve become acquainted and reacquainted with a few friends from various blogs. An anonymous commenter on one of those blogs had this to say about cultic dynamics, and it pretty much sums up my concerns about recent developments in Wilberland:
“Being an old time poster on the original Wilber forum, what strikes me is how the online discussions back then, mirror those taking place now. For those who don’t know, the original forum also served as a place for Adi Da devotees and ex-members to hash and re-hash, back-and-forth, about whether Adi-Da was a divine avatar or simply an abusive psychopath. There was no end to it, and the current devotees defended their god-man through anything and everything, including very real sexual abuse. How, one must wonder, could folks defend such stuff? To understand this, you have to look at the mix of eastern religion and western megalomania that manifested in cultic ways during the seventies. It’s really very simple how these cultic groups defended the indefensible, and this very much holds true the Da-is-divine crowd on the old Wilber forum. They play three very simple cards, which can not, NO MATTER WHAT, be trumped. What’s remarkable is that Wilber and his groupies now play those same exact three cards, which are:
(1) The Higher Level Card (i.e. Sorry, it’s just over your head). Sorry, but you’re just not smart enough to realize I am smarter than you, because you’re on a lower (less divine) level.
(2) The Projection Card (i.e., I know you are, but what am I). By criticizing me, you are really just criticizing yourself, because any problem you see in me is just a projection of a problem in yourself.
(3) The Skillful Means Card (i.e., it’s all your own fault, dickhead). The most potent card of all! It’s not abuse; it’s not pathetic or ridiculous or wrong; it’s a crazy-wise teaching. You know, like Zen stuff. So when I call you a dickhead, it’s not because I’m a dickhead, it’s because you have a dickhead-complex that you need to evolve past, and I’m here to help you see that.
Note that these cards are not designed in any way, shape or form to prompt a discussion or dialogue. What can one possibly say to any of these cards? Nothing, and that is exactly the point. They are designed to end all discussion, and they are used only when folks know the actual substance of their beliefs has run, or is running, dry. Wilber’s latest attack of Visser, and the defense provided by his young (and getting younger by the day) followers, consists nearly in whole of these three cards.”
Anyone interested in all this nonsense can follow the links. Aside from this mental masturbation, I hope to get back into regular writing, recording, and podcasting as time allows in the coming days.
Peace out.
“Let’s face it–farting is funny. But there’s a time and place…”. A co-worker of mine said this to our group of teenagers after we returned from the cafeteria following lunch. A girl had let one loose as the kids were lining up to go back to the rehab unit. The kids broke out in hysterics, of course, and although we always instruct them to be absolutely quiet in the hallway, it was hard to admonish them and keep a straight face. Because, the truth is, farting IS funny, at least to me. In fact, even at thirty-five years old, farting is ALWAYS funny to me. Even when I’m alone in the apartment, if I rip a good one, it’s cause for laughter. You’d think it would’ve gotten old by now. I mean, how many things are funny the five millionth time you hear them?
I understand WHY farting is funny. It’s a taboo, and when it happens unexpectedly in the right context, it’s as delightfully embarrassing as a boob falling out of a woman’s dress, or a booger dangling from your buddy’s nose as you introduce him to his blind date. It has something to do with being ashamed of our bodies and the battle between culture and nature for rule of our psyches. But boobs and boogers can only take you so far, and incidents involving them need to be spread out over a period of days, maybe even weeks, if they are to elicit a good belly laugh. A fart, however, never fails to bring a smile to my face, and that smile is inevitably followed by a suppressed snicker and then, despite all conscious efforts to maintain propriety, I finally succumb to the sweet release of all-out laughing my ass off.
Laughter, in and of itself, is a total mystery to me when I really think about it. How did such an odd behavior evolve in humans?
Another co-worker of mine told me that, in his college days, he and his buddies used a hand-held cassette recorder to make a compilation, a “best of” album composed of nothing but their farts. They called it “Poop Tones”. What could be more childish and distasteful. And yet I laughed for ten minutes straight just hearing about it. Just saying the word “poop,” right now, to myself, makes me laugh, hard. I’m still laughing. I can hardly type. Wait a minute. I’ve got a good one brewing… hold it… wait… here it comes…
It was quite a trial to break free from the nefarious clutches of AOL. Those fuckers used Nazi mind-control tactics on me last night when I tried to cancel service. First of all, they set up their website so that it is IMPOSSIBLE to cancel service online. I spent an hour just to get to a support chat-room with some fuck named “Topey” who jerked me around and sidestepped my request for fifteen minutes. I finally demanded a phone number to speak with a human, and I got this psycho-bitch-from-hell who REFUSED to cancel my service.
Me: “I’d like to cancel my service, please.”
AOL: “I’m so sorry to hear that Mr. Dust. May I ask why?”
Me: “I just don’t need it any more. Anyway, I’d just like to go ahead and cancel now, please.”
AOL: “But Mr. Dust, I don’t think you understand the level of security we provide for you. You wouldn’t want someone to hack into your computer and steal your identity, would you?”
Me: “Look. I don’t care. Just cancel my service.”
AOL: “Is it the price Mr. Dust? Because we can…”
Me: “No. Look, you are wasting my time right now. I’ve been trying to cancel my service for an hour now, and I’m starting to get very frustrated.”
AOL: “I’ll tell you what Mr. Dust, we’ll give you two months free…”
Me: “Now you’re starting to really piss me off. If you don’t cancel my service right now, I’m going to hang up, call my credit card company, and report you to the Better Business Bureau.”
AOL: “I’m sorry Mr. Dust, I didn’t mean to upset you. I will cancel your account right now, but you’ll be happy to know that you can keep your screen name and password and continue to use your email just as before, for free. It’s just our way of maintaining a relationship with you. Before I can process your cancellation request, I need to transfer you to our legal department… ” Ring, ring… [Insert appropriate “Hotel California” lyrics here]
Click! Fucking Nazi bastards. I better make sure my mother doesn’t ever get on the phone with an AOL rep. They’ll be harvesting her for bone marrow or stem cells by the end of the call.
End of rant.
I don’t know folks. It’s probably just a quirk in my personality. I have noticed a pattern lately in the way I engage with the Integral Universe. I post every month or so with a thinly veiled cynical or critical attitude about something. There’s no real dialogue with Wilber; The audio/video clips on Integral Naked are becoming more and more like commercials; I hate the spiral dynamics lingo; blah blah blah. Now I read this on the Integral Naked forum:
“Once you’ve completed I-I Certification (coming soon), or completed the accredited courses in Integral Theory currently being offered by JFK or Fielding, or passed the (coming soon) sentence-completion tests based on Jane Loevinger’s work, or assessed by internal I-I folks as having your center of gravity at least 2nd tier, then welcome inside the Berlin Wall. This highly selective circle is the cream of the crop at I-I. Eventually, our ‘I-I 411 / Yellow Pages’ will enable you to be acknowledged by rank, your rank based on your level of integral education, your test results and the quantity of feedback you get from I-I peers ranking your altitude.”
I read this, and my stomach turned. I know, I know — I must be Green because Green hates ranking and hierarchy. This might be true, but I’ve gotta go with my gut (another Green thing, I suppose). Maybe I just need to step away from the Integral Scene for a while and see how things take shape. Maybe I’m just tired and cranky from too many hours working at the hospital.
I wonder how others feel about having their “altitude ranked?” My first reaction was to cancel my I-I membership and write the whole thing off as another failed experiment. Shadow stuff creeping up? Legitimate concerns about creepy aspects of this community? I don’t know. I’m going to sleep on it.
“Evidence for Universe Expansion Found
By MATT CRENSON, AP National Writer
Physicists announced Thursday that they now have the smoking gun that shows the universe went through extremely rapid expansion in the moments after the big bang, growing from the size of a marble to a volume larger than all of observable space in less than a trillion-trillionth of a second.”
I just don’t get this kind of stuff. Either I’m too stupid or else physicists think they’re a lot smarter than they really are. While it doesn’t amaze me that we can SAY anything about what transpired in the first trillionth of a second of the universe, it would amaze me if ANY of it were true or even close to it. I mean c’mon, scientists can’t agree on basic things, like what’s REALLY the healthiest diet and what REALLY causes disease. We can’t find Bin Laden but we know the universe was once the size of a marble? Maybe it just hurts my brain too much. I can’t picture a marble without picturing some space around it. So how can the marble be “the universe” and the space be something else? Asking “who made the universe?” just begs the question “who made the maker?”–and off we go. I can’t even get to the bottom of “who made the mess on the stove?”
To sum up this latest video clip on Integral Naked:
Wilber begins by saying that it is very difficult (although not impossible) to transform, i.e. move up stages of consciousness, after the age of 25. He says there’s been an “enormous amount of studies” that demonstrate that psychotherapy and other approaches to personal transformation only move a person up about a quarter of a stage (“statistically insignificant” according to Wilber). Upon this foundation (which feels a little shaky to me), Wilber lays out three “facts” which, taken together, lead him to his conclusion.
Fact #1: Studies show that meditation over the course of four years can move people almost two stages on average.
Fact#2: Famine only occurs in societies that don’t have democratic governments.
Fact#3: Democratic systems are a Moral Stage Five product.
“Therefore, it follows that the single greatest thing that the world can do to stop starvation is to meditate. Nothing else has been demonstrated to move people stages.”
Here are a few issues as I see them:
(1) Should Integral Institute place more emphasis on social activism and less on “navel gazing?”
(2) Is Wilber’s thinking really based on a careful deliberation of “the evidence,” or is he just hand picking whatever studies he can find that can be used to support his ideas, translating and interpreting the “facts” to suit his pre-determined agenda?
(3) [Really a continuation of (2)] Is there a circularity to Integral Theory such that Ken Wilber is found to be the Center of the Integral Universe? Which way does the little ball bounce: Ken meditates and Ken sees meditation as the “single greatest thing that the world can do.” Ken lifts weights and Ken sees resistance training as the “ultimate” physical component of an Integral Life Practice. Stuart Davis, Eddie K., Serge from S.O.D. and Billy Corgan all read and love Ken’s books, so their music must be “Integral.” Anyone who gets Integral Theory is, by definition, a “second tier” thinker.
I don’t think that Wilber is saying that the ONLY thing we should do to alleviate world hunger is to meditate. Of course, he would advocate an integral approach, addressing the issue from every conceivable angle. It’s just that I often get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach when he bolsters his arguments with vague references to “studies” and “evidence” which, upon further investigation, can turn out to be pretty obscure, self-serving, and way too small scale to build strong conclusions upon.
Wilber was citing studies involving “meditation” in a particular sense. I don’t know the specifics, but I imagine that in order to be considered properly scientific, the researchers probably defined meditation in terms of a particular form that all the participants followed. But who’s to say what’s really going on within an individual’s consciousness while they practice a particular form of meditation? For one person, the first five years of zazen practice might be a striving to achieve some sort of special, spiritual experience, preparing one for some big moment of realization down the line that there’s no”I” to achieve anything. For another, sitting in meditation is simply an expression of an already-apprehended realization of peace and contentment. I know from my own experience that there is a particular attitude or mode of awareness that accompanies and is strengthened by a number of practices I consider “spiritual” and “transformative.” For me, there something going on during the creative process (while playing and writing music) which feels the same as what’s going on while I do sensory awareness stuff on my floor, which feels the same as what’s going on while I make love, which feels the same as what’s going on when I sit zazen… In other words, there are principles of transformation that go way beyond any particular form of practice, so that propping up one’s own favorite forms (like sitting meditation and weight-lifting) with references to “studies” feels too biased, like it’s partially an unconscious attempt to justify one’s own choices. I’m not saying we should ignore research, I’m just suggesting that what we consider significant or insignificant can often be more a matter of personal bias than anything else. We all do this to a certain extent, I think. We unconsciously employ selective attention to highlight those “studies” and arguments and ideas that justify and maintain our current “status quo.” So, IF Integral Institute is or becomes too much about Ken Wilber’s particular perspective, then the inevitable shadow cast will blot out too much good stuff, even as the Integral Vision seeks to include as much as possible under its Big Umbrella.