If there’s a theme to my blog and journal writing over the years, it has something to do with forgetting and remembering. I seem to come to the same realizations over and over again, returning to them after a period of forgetfulness. This is a cycle I have to break if I’m to continue growing. I’d like to start learning some new lessons, but it’s that damned forgetfulness that forces me to keep retracing the same steps again and again.
I can’t seem to stick with a practice in a disciplined way, even though the most repeated realization I have is “Practice more, in a disciplined way!” It’s maddening, really. Something always seems to come up to derail me — at least I find something to use as an excuse. Right now the excuse is: “I have to worry about leaving my job, getting a new one, moving… There’s not time to do everything.” I just keep playing games with myself. It’s as if the part of me that doesn’t want to grow and change keeps winning the day. I know what to do, and have known for years — I just can’t seem to do it for any sustained length of time without eventually sinking under the weight of distractions and self-deceit.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I’m forever trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps. I’m out on an island here, thinking my failures are simply matters of a lack of will power and resolve. But there’s more to it, I know. I need other people. That’s it, yes.
A new realization?