Don’t get me wrong—I love kids. In fact, if I’m at a family gathering, I spend far more time playing with the kids than I do schmoozing with the adults. I gotta say though, I’m finding that the mere fact that I’ve chosen to be childless (at least for now) tends to push peoples’ buttons. And then, of course, my buttons get pushed and we’re on like Donkey Kong. Having kids seems to be at the very heart of many peoples’ value systems, and thus my very existence can make some uneasy. It’s kinda like being a non-believer surrounded by religious people (also true in my case, but that’s another story).
It seems to me that—among well-educated secular/moderate types at least—parenting is simply a lifestyle choice. My friends and relatives who have kids made a conscious decision to have them, presumably because they wanted to be parents. And I don’t have kids because I don’t want to spend my time parenting. It’s as simple as that. Yet, when I’m asked why I don’t want kids, this simple answer doesn’t usually suffice. The thing that really burns my ass (or frosts my balls, depending on the weather) is when one of these baby-mommas or papas says or implies that my decision to be childless somehow reflects selfishness or self-centeredness on my part. Seriously, if I hear this from one more father out there I just might kick his baby-makers up through his eye-sockets.
I may decide tomorrow or next year that I do indeed want to be a Daddy, but a sudden conversion to selflessness wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Just who do we have kids for? It can’t be for the kid, because he or she doesn’t exist yet. If selflessness is the ideal, then why not focus your time and energy on the suffering people already on the planet, at least on the little ones. Oh wait, I know…. Because they’re not your people, your little ones. They’re not part of you, in other words. Who’s selfish now! Who the hell am I talking to?
What got me going on all this is my place of work, an office at the local university. Most of my coworkers have kids, so there’s an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding when it comes to taking time off for the “sake of the children.” And boy oh boy do people take advantage of this little perk. I cannot recall a single week in the four months I’ve been here when one or more of my office-mates didn’t spend significant chunks of their forty “work” hours either at home or on several-hour-long lunch breaks, ostensibly tending to the needs of their children. Coincidentally, Fridays and Mondays seem to be the days the kids catch those pesky viruses. Now, I have no doubt that parenthood is demanding, and that kids really do get sick, even on Fridays and Mondays. There can be little doubt, however, that folks here are playing the kid card in some questionable situations. Hell, if I could use this no-questions-asked ticket to time off whenever I felt like it, it would be mighty tempting to cash in on those painful mornings following a crappy night’s sleep, or when I needed to get my car fixed or go to the post office.
So, if having kids is a matter of how a person chooses to live his or her life, then why am I getting screwed out of all this work-time flexibility? “I’ve had a song forming in my head all night, boss. I need to stay home today and get some basic tracks recorded.” I guess somebody has to be here to do the work while the mothers are mothering and the fathers fathering. “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own” is what they tell me. It’s always “when” and not “if.” I think I understand pretty well, though. Sharing a value system is really important to people. It’s important to me, too. Lately, I’m trying to focus more on the common ground I share with people, and it’s nice to feel connected.
But I still wouldn’t mind an occasional Friday off to take care of what matters most to me: [Deleted expletive]