Hell is real

I can’t remember if was in Arkansas or Tennessee, but we were driving along a stretch of highway that was flanked by opposing camps engaged in an epic battle for our very souls. On our right were giant billboards advertising Adult Books and Videos. Every few miles we’d see one, and on the other side of the road would be the counter-message, straight from You Know Who. Hell is real. That’s the one that really grabbed my attention. And having just suffered the ignorance of eighteen-wheeled a-holes for the previous three hundred miles, I couldn’t agree more.

Hell is real, and it can also disguise itself as a Taco Bell in Tennessee, where the spicy chicken tacos gnaw at your insides, compelling you to jump the highway divide into on-coming traffic. Yes, Hell can take many forms. It’s sneaky like that. I believe that’s where we really went after the Rehearsal Dinner on Friday. The sign out front said “Ernie Bigs,” but the shitty music and drunk, obnoxious frat boys inside said “Welcome to Hell!” But I prayed hard to You know who, and he came to me in the form of an elderly black man driving a yellow car, who whisked me away from the licking flames and deposited me safely back at the hotel.

Another one of the signs on the left side of the highway said “I love you,” and it was signed by You know who. I believe that one too, although the guy standing behind me in line at the adult bookstore said the same thing.

Live and let me get around you

They say if you visualize something with all of your heart and soul, you can turn your fantasies into reality. If so, then there are several truck-drivers who woke up today covered in painful boils. For the love of God, why would you pull into the passing lane if you have no intention of passing?!?! I do my best to drive as safely as possible, but safety is simply impossible when you are literally surrounded by morons with zero awareness of how their actions on the road (and in the world) impact others. Normally, I’m a pretty laid-back guy when it comes to such things, but ten hours of being at the mercy of clueless asswipes was just too much for me to take.

These days I vaccilate between a “live and let live” attitude toward others and a burning sense of righteous indignation against the ignorance and stupidity I see everywhere in society. That I too am implicated in this sad state of affairs is clear enough, but deep down I feel like I’m a cut above. I’ll just come right out and say it: I think I’m better than most people. When I pass someone on the freeway, I make quick work of ’em, then I get back into the right lane. It’s that simple people! If people would even begin to realize their potential for acting more intelligently in the world, there would be such a reduction of needless suffering that the earth might fly off it’s orbit.

Oh yeah — The wedding was beautiful.

Invasion of the gummy-snatchers

Monday mornings I wake to sound of the dumpster being emptied. When it crashes to the ground the whole apartment shakes. In my sleepy haze I thought another thunderstorm was raging. I was dreaming about the kids (the patients at work). Most nights, it seems, I dream about the kids. Today I’ll be with them for twelve hours, so tonight — guess what — I’ll probably dream about the kids. I need to learn to manage my attention better while I’m at work. I am so hyper-vigilant, as if national security is on the line if I miss a note being passed, or a pack of gummy-bears being lifted from the galley. Yesterday we caught someone stealing gummies. He shoved a few packs into the front pocket of his hoody after getting his allotted “one snack and a drink.” Turns out he had a whole stock-pile in his room. Weapons of mass tooth-decay. After some intense interrogation (no water-boarding, I swear), we uncovered a whole ring of gummy-snatchers. Harsh consequences were laid down. The eighteen young mouths on the Adolescent Chemical Dependency Unit are safer today than they were yesterday. I sleep well at night. Except for those damned dreams.

Stupid cows

This “blogging everyday” experiment promises to be interesting–to me anyway. I don’t know what the other two or three readers will think. The thing is, once my work schedule kicks in, there’s not much to report between blog entries other than “I went to work.” Okay, so this is bullshit, I know. Who ever said blogging is about “reporting” anyway? There are always an infinite number of waves swelling, rising and crashing against the wall of my skull. I can jump on my board and ride until the cows come home, and believe me, those fuckers are never coming home. Stupid cows.

So, I came in from work last night and my wife asked, “How was work?” and I said, “Uneventful.” It’s all relative, of course. One of my patients found out yesterday that his father was critically injured in a car accident. The boy had just recently been told this man was, in fact, his biological father, and now he faces losing his Dad to death. So the evening was “uneventful” only from the narrow perspective of me. Of course I felt for the kid and spent time talking with him, doing my best to help him deal with the situation. But I suppose I’ve gotten so used to the horror stories that I only register something as an “event” if it’s outside the usual routine. For those of us who work in psychiatric hospitals, it can be surprising what one considers “routine.” Which reminds me of another horror story…

What’s that? Do I hear mooing?

Tears from Heaven

Man, did it ever rain last night. We were under a “tornado watch” until 3am, which terrified my wife. I didn’t worry about it too much. I figured, “If it’s our time, it’s our time.” Of course, we all interpret life through the filter of our beliefs and fears. I’m sure there are people who saw the tornadoes on the news and said to themselves, “It’s End Times.” There’s a maintenance worker at the hospital who talks about End Times all the time. When she points that pistol my way I just nod my head, say “Uh huh,” then get to where I’m going. But I’m thinking to myself, “You crazy bitch!”

The other day one of my patients approached me excitedly with a Bible in her hand. At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting the night before, a man quoted some scripture to her, so she borrowed the unit’s copy of the Good Book to check it out. She was positively beaming from ear to ear as she pointed out to me the library stamp inside the front cover. It was from her very own home town, hundreds of miles away. She felt like God had placed that book in her hands for a reason. Now, I can relate to this feeling. When I picked up a copy of Henry Miller’s Tropic of Capricorn in the laundry room of an apartment complex back in 1996, it seemed like I was meant to read that particular book at that particular time. Indeed, that event altered the course of my life. But back to the Bible. The girl came back to me a few hours later to ask me some questions. She said: “There are a few things I’m confused about, Bob. How could God have created the world in just seven days? And some of the people lived to be so old, like 700 years old. How could that be? And what about dinosaurs? Doesn’t science tell us about dinosaurs? How can God have made all the animals at the same time if dinosaurs were around long before?”

“Oh shit!” I thought to myself. I’ve never been comfortable revealing too much about my philosophy or spirituality to the kids. It’s unethical to push one’s religious beliefs on others in a therapeutic setting, although it’s quite impossible, believe me, to teach kids about addiction and recovery without one’s values creeping in along the way. Anyway, I started to tell the girl that indeed, she was asking some very good questions, and that while I did not really know the answers, I encouraged her to dialogue with people. Before I could finish my response, however, a coworker of mine, who had apparently been eavesdropping on the conversation, piped in with a string of direct answers to the girl’s questions, including some book recommendations. He said, “There’s a theory — and it has some scientific backing — that there was a water canopy surrounding the earth during Biblical times, and it filtered out a lot of the harmful UV rays that cause aging. That’s why people lived so long back then. And that’s where all the water came from during the Great Flood. And don’t forget, Noah’s Ark was really, really big, so I’m sure there was room for dinosaurs…”

My jaw ’bout hit the floor. I just snuck out of the room, wondering to myself how we’re ever going to deal with the problems we face on this planet when even among friends and coworkers we have such utterly divergent views of life and the world. Then I go home and see the trailer to the new documentary Jesus Camp. God help us all, indeed!
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These illustrations show just how a water canopy covering the Earth would not only create a globally warm climate but also would shield our planet from harmful radiation. Thus, allowing mankind to reach ages up to 900 plus years and also allowing reptiles to grow to the size of our dinosaur fossils. A global flood that occured roughly 1,500 years after Adam was created would create the coal layers (compressed global vegetation) and the fossilization of the huge behemoths known to us today as the dinosaurs. Remember, in Genesis 1:6-8, God divided the waters from the waters and placed this upper water canopy ABOVE the firmament called “Heaven.”

Dust

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My former band, My Dear Ella, just played its last show with original drummer and soul brother Jeff D. I remember my last show with the band a few years ago, all the emotion pent up, the terrible sense of sorrow and nostalgia, the swell of love for my friends, the ache of feeling like I was letting go of our dreams. Eric–the originator and creative force behind MDE–is now the only original member left rocking the Chapel Hill, NC music scene. Eric and Jeff were both at my wedding in May, and the bond between us is still strong. And although I continue to create music inspired by our shared vision and experiences together, I can’t help but feel that sorrow and heart-breaking nostalgia once again, as the final echoes of Jeff’s booming drum beats fade into the ether.

Tonight I drank some beers and played an old tune, one that I had once hoped would make the official My Dear Ella set list someday. I didn’t stick around long enough to play my songs onstage with the boys, but I remember Jeff saying he liked this one when he heard the demo. Tonight it was just me on the acoustic guitar, a little out of sorts and a little out of tune, but I felt you with me brother.

Dust.mp3
I tried to sleep
and my soul to keep
but I let it slip away
Now I want
and I need
and I beg you please
don’t leave me on my knees
I’ll try again
if you just say when
This time I’ll get it right
You’re right
You win
so lock me in
and throw away the key
You better suck it down
You better take it in
You better play the game
You’re never gonna win
You better give it up
Get down upon your knees
and take it like a man
Take everything you see
and turn it upside down
tear it inside out
light it up in flames
and burn it to the ground
Turn it into dust
and blow it all away
You better write this down
Do everything I say

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Anxiety and Elephants, Part Four

I think the reason it’s so hard to discern the difference between biologically and environmentally caused diseases is partly because of the way we think about causality. What does it mean to acknowledge that “stress” can cause or contribute to heart disease? When a gang member has a bullet removed from his brain, what was the “cause” of his death? The bullet? Bad parenting? Social policy?

There are people for whom the physiological and neuromuscular stress responses have become so repeatedly triggered and habituated that their lives are on the line. How best to treat these diseases of stress? The question is no different for heart disease than for depression. We take meds and have surgeries only to return back to the same stressful job. The paravertebral muscles in the back can be so chronically tensed that discs bulge. One person is shown the x-ray and encouraged to have surgery to correct the problem. This helps a lot with the pain. But there’s no insight, no improved awareness, so right back to the same stressful situation and more back surgery five years later. Another person is taught how to regain control of the paravertebral muscles. As a result of this learning process, the person can now relax these muscles; the spine is no longer bent; the disk no longer bulges; no more pain. Improved self-awareness, improved functioning, improved insight. Person gets a new job.

How we understand the cause of a problem will determine what we decide to do about it. If your eye doctor tells you your nearsightedness is caused by a refractive, structural problem in your eye, you will probably get eye-glasses. If you listen to Aldous Huxley or Dr. William Bates, you might be persuaded that your myopia is primarily a matter of poor seeing habits, and that you might regain perfect vision by replacing these habits with better ones. The bottom line is this: Glasses are fine. They help you see better immediately, and with no effort on your part. The Bates Method is a lot like meditation. It takes time, effort, and commitment. Glasses are an UR intervention that masks symptoms, and people’s vision continues to get worse and worse (anyone’s prescriptions going the other way?) Back surgery will help your back feel better; but it doesn’t address the problem integrally (no engagement of awareness). It’s the same for psychiatric problems, in my opinion. Awareness heals. But we don’t want to hear it! It may be true that the status quo, by its very nature, suppresses the integral truth of health and disease. But WE ARE THE STATUS QUO! We would rather wear glasses, have back surgery, take the heart meds and the psych meds. We want to be enlightened, but not if it might mean quitting that job of ours. Without the job we’d have no way to afford the glasses, Prozac, and back surgeries! Insanity!

Anxiety and Elephants, Part Three

Tomorrow I head off the hospital once more, and it is my job to come up with and facilitate four group therapy/education sessions throughout the day. People are there for ECT treatment, suicidal depression, self mutilation, fork swallowing, shooting themselves in the head and gut, scratching their eyes to the point of blindness, drug addiction, drinking antifreeze, and on and on. By the time I clock in tomorrow, there will undoubtedly be a few newly admitted patients with their own unique stories and struggles. So what topics or activities should I do in my groups tomorrow? Tetra-emergence? Have ’em all sketch out the four quadrants?

Lately I’ve been meditating a lot more, and my groups seem to be going well, no matter what I choose to do. Hmmm…

Anxiety and Elephants

“Do you suffer from sleeplessness, anxious feelings, obsessive worrying about the future that makes it hard to function? If you find yourself saying Yes, than you may be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and a chemical imbalance may be to blame.” — Paxil commercial

I mean no disrespect to any of you who have or are suffering from anxiety, depression, or any other mental health problem, but the notion that the so-called mental illnesses we see all around (and within) us are predominantly upper-right quadrant pathologies (i.e. brain disorders) is, to my mind, a striking example of ignorance and non-integral thinking. I say this with genuine compassion, having spent the last ten years of my life working with people diagnosed with mental illnesses.

Drug companies drive much of the current research in psychiatry these days, and the medical establishment (i.e. the people that prescribe Paxil) has produced an abundance of evidence to support their viewpoint: the brain scans, the analysis of neurotransmitter levels, etc. That the entire culture is unbalanced chemically is not the issue–this is, in fact, an obvious state of affairs, which the “evidence” nicely illustrates. What really frosts my balls is the cleverly marketed misunderstanding that an imbalance in our chemical structure necessarily indicates a chemical intervention, and furthermore, is a state of affairs which relieves us of the responsibility for our own state of being. If we took a brain scan and did a chemical analysis of a person who just stuck his head in an elephant’s asshole, we would surely note, when we compare the results to a scan and analysis of the same person a week later (head still in ass), many differences. The long term exposure to the elevated temperature of the elephant’s bunghole, along with the lack of breathable air, would undoubtedly have profound physiological effects. The Paxil pushers of the world would like us to believe that our subject’s chemical imbalance should be “treated” by giving him some pill (it would have to come in suppository form of course, as our subject’s head, and therefore mouth, is unavailable as a medication route) that will directly act on his physiological structure in a way that facilitates a change toward the closest possible approximation of his initial state of relative chemical balance. Well, that’s one approach I guess. The common sense alternative of simply having the subject remove his head from the elephant’s ass would seem a little simpler, and would undoubtedly achieve more satisfactory results. Clearly, pulling head from ass is the more appropriate response in this situation, but imagine if every time we tried to point this out we were encouraged to ignore the fact that the guy’s head was in the elephant’s ass, that every time we even glanced in the direction of the elephant’s ass, our attention was redirected to the brain scan and physiological data. Well, you get the point. Anything can be considered in terms of its chemical properties and physical structure, and any change in subjective experience has a correlative change on an objective, observable level. It simply does not follow that depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness is “caused by” a chemical imbalance, or should necessarily be treated by a chemical intervention. If a tiger were to walk onto my front porch, my physiology would change measurably, but I would consider it insane for someone to suggest that my resultant anxiety was “caused by” the physiological changes or that I should swallow some paxil. I am thankful that many of the folks I work with, such as those tormented by voices in their head or those depressed to the point of attempted suicide, find relief in medication. In fact, I’m all for the use of chemicals for any and all psychological problems, even having a few beers after a tough day at work. Anything that helps is good, so long as you understand (as much as possible) what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. The person who takes the paxil and stays on the front porch with the tiger might get eaten alive. The problems we face in life are complicated beasts, and they cannot be understood or effectively addressed with anything less than an integral approach.

But the paxil pushers of the world are only telling us what we want to hear. We want to keep our gaze fixed on those brainscans and hormone level print outs; we’re more than willing to spend however much it costs for those little pink pills.

It’s such a small price to pay for the warmth and security of that big, pillowy ass. It’s as cozy as mama’s womb, by golly, and once you get used to the smell, you don’t even realize where your head’s buried.

Miller, Wilber and shit

Henry Miller always brings me back to my senses. Dead for twenty-five years now, his words much older than that, yet somehow by merely letting my eyes scan over some black zigs and zags, I am resuscitated, ushered into a realm of greater clarity and sanity. In contrast, Wilber’s words often pull me away, drag me into a maze wherein I find myself lost and confused; disconnected in some way. After reading Wilber’s latest diatribe this morning, I found myself in the bathroom staring down at a big, steaming turd that I had no recollection of parting with. I could only assume that the reason I was standing there with my pants around my ankles was, in fact, that I had just taken a dump. After reading Miller, taking a shit can be a religious experience.