I’ve been busy, working on an application to grad school, plotting and planning my next move in this big game. There’s only so many hours in the day, and it’s understandable that I let some things drop away this past couple of weeks–blogging, exercise, Spanish lessons, meditation, guitar. Wait a minute… maybe it’s not so understandable. Do I smell what I think I smell? Snff snff… Yeah, that’s bullshit alright.
It amazes me how a mere week or two disengaged from my routines can leave me so out of sorts. I begin to panic a little, as if I might lose everything I’ve gained over the years, negate my progress permanently, cross some invisible line, some point of no-return. The older I get, the more certain I feel that, ultimately, I am fucked, that without some fundamental transformation of my point of view, I will never resolve the problems that vex me on a daily basis. This grad school thing, I know it’s crazy, I know I’ve been here before (several times). I just want a change for the sake of change. I don’t know what I want to do, really, just that I want to do something else. I know I’m just playing a game, and that this move will just lead to another, and that the only check mate I truly foresee is death. But what’s a boy to do?
Tomorrow the application will be in the mail. Then it’s life’s move.