Reverb 10 Prompt (from Cali Harris): Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
Shit. This is kind of a sore spot with me. I have never experienced a sense of community that didn’t slip away before I had time to truly appreciate it, and 2010 has been a particularly lonely year. I know most of this is on me. I’m an introvert. Always have been. And although at this point in my life I think I’ve transcended most of the limiting aspects of this disposition, I still tend to spend most of my time within the cozy confines of my own little world. It’s not such a bad place, really. But there are still many times when I want to come out of my shell and connect with others, and these are the times when I feel the sore spot most acutely. When I finally come outside to play, everyone has gone home already. I guess. I’m not so sure about any of this. I may be an introvert, but I also give a lot of myself to those I do connect with. I might suck at small talk, but I’m right at home in the depths of intimacy. I know how to love. I guess. I’ve let so very few into my inner sanctum. Or is it that so few have let me into theirs?
This year, despite the best laid plans, my wife has spent most of her time in other cities, states, and even countries. This all but forced me out my shell, and I did reach out for contact in a few ways. I attended two intensive training courses at Duke Integrative Medicine: Mindfulness Training for Professionals and Integrative Health Coaching (Okay, technically I did this one in 2009). Both of these trainings concluded with everyone sitting around in a big circle, sharing reflections. And both times I gushed on and on about how wonderful it was to experience the sense of community we established. But, as has been the case throughout my life in these types of situations, the warm-and-fuzzies didn’t last long after we all went our separate ways. At this point, I’m not in touch with a single person from either training. I also played in a rock band for the first half of this year, hooking back into the local music scene here in Chapel Hill after being away for several years. I felt out of place from the start though, as if I had traveled back in time and was laying low so as not to impact the future in some unexpected way. I guess. That didn’t even make sense to me. And of course, I blogged, and facebooked, and tweeted, and otherwise made many earnest attempts to establish personal connections online, including this here Reverb 10 deal.
2011 promises to be a major opportunity for me to finally get this community thing right. As of this moment, my wife has interviews set up for academic positions in Oregon, Maine and New Mexico. Several other applications are floating around all over the country. We could end up anywhere, but in any event it’s looking pretty likely we’ll be heading somewhere new by the time fall rolls around again. I’m trying to learn from my past failures. Really, I am. I know now that the warm-and-fuzzies of new connections will eventually fade, and that it requires effort and commitment to establish lasting bonds. I know now that although risking rejection might make me very uncomfortable, and experiencing rejection does indeed suck big-time, there’s no real intimacy without a willingness to be vulnerable. And I know now that when I really put myself out there, put my heart and soul into a relationship or my blog or a song or whatever, it might not inspire the kind of response I’m hoping for. In fact, it might not inspire any response. But community isn’t just about what I can get from others. Perhaps it’s more about what I can offer others. Maybe that’s the point I’ve been missing all along.
So I think for 2011, I’ll keep my focus there, on offering the very best of myself to every engagement. If that doesn’t work, then at least I’ll know for sure what I’ve suspected all along: It’s everyone else’s fault! ;0)