I’m feeling tired and unsettled these past few days. Morning has broken and the birds are singing, or rapping, or babbling incoherently–whatever it is they do. We like to think they’re singing. But who’s to say they’re not hurling insults at each other all morning?
“Thanks! Your Mom thought so too when I was preening her last night!”
Anyway… Feeling lethargic. There are plenty of grad school assignments to attend to, but just the thought of that busy work sends me deeper into the trance. I suppose I should go for a run, let the sun hit my retinas, warm my skin. Should, but not gonna.
I’m a man out of ideas, but I am other things as well. Like half blind in my right eye, packed full of poo, burdened by chores, without a functioning speedometer in my car, worried about my family, bothered by the mounting signs of aging, waiting for things to happen, seeking an entertaining distraction, finished with my cup of coffee, needing to brush my teeth, about ready to empty my bowels, graying in the beard, curious about the life of birds, seemingly unable to follow through with changing the strings on my guitar, unconvinced of the value of twitter, willingly deceived by my own thinly veiled excuses for not living life more fully and courageously, scratching myself between sentence fragments, staring off into space every few minutes, spending way too much of every day in my pajamas, becoming more and more socially isolated, grasping at straws, setting fire to time.
I feel distant from the source, disconnected, like I’m going through the motions. Fingertips flutter as chemicals flash like rainbowfish back and forth across the tiny spaces between neurons. Who knows what it all means. What it’s all for. Nothing. Nada!
Too much unrestrained TV/computer watching, time wasting, pizza eating, beer drinking, circularity of thinking, compulsive door-lock checking, on the toilet sitting, chip munching, chore avoiding, intention ignoring.
Not enough guitar strumming, soccer playing, song singing, butt shaking, muscle flexing, novel reading, navel gazing, out reaching, soul searching, gong heading.
However…just about the right amount of beard stroking, showering, coffee drinking, around the block strolling, home calling, class attending, bill paying, grocery shopping, mail checking, garbage curbing, dish washing, wife loving, bed making, stick shifting, tooth brushing, hours sleeping, day dreaming, bird watching.