Reverb 10 Prompt (from Cali Harris): Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
Shit. This is kind of a sore spot with me. I have never experienced a sense of community that didn’t slip away before I had time to truly appreciate it, and 2010 has been a particularly lonely year. I know most of this is on me. I’m an introvert. Always have been. And although at this point in my life I think I’ve transcended most of the limiting aspects of this disposition, I still tend to spend most of my time within the cozy confines of my own little world. It’s not such a bad place, really. But there are still many times when I want to come out of my shell and connect with others, and these are the times when I feel the sore spot most acutely. When I finally come outside to play, everyone has gone home already. I guess. I’m not so sure about any of this. I may be an introvert, but I also give a lot of myself to those I do connect with. I might suck at small talk, but I’m right at home in the depths of intimacy. I know how to love. I guess. I’ve let so very few into my inner sanctum. Or is it that so few have let me into theirs?
This year, despite the best laid plans, my wife has spent most of her time in other cities, states, and even countries. This all but forced me out my shell, and I did reach out for contact in a few ways. I attended two intensive training courses at Duke Integrative Medicine: Mindfulness Training for Professionals and Integrative Health Coaching (Okay, technically I did this one in 2009). Both of these trainings concluded with everyone sitting around in a big circle, sharing reflections. And both times I gushed on and on about how wonderful it was to experience the sense of community we established. But, as has been the case throughout my life in these types of situations, the warm-and-fuzzies didn’t last long after we all went our separate ways. At this point, I’m not in touch with a single person from either training. I also played in a rock band for the first half of this year, hooking back into the local music scene here in Chapel Hill after being away for several years. I felt out of place from the start though, as if I had traveled back in time and was laying low so as not to impact the future in some unexpected way. I guess. That didn’t even make sense to me. And of course, I blogged, and facebooked, and tweeted, and otherwise made many earnest attempts to establish personal connections online, including this here Reverb 10 deal.
2011 promises to be a major opportunity for me to finally get this community thing right. As of this moment, my wife has interviews set up for academic positions in Oregon, Maine and New Mexico. Several other applications are floating around all over the country. We could end up anywhere, but in any event it’s looking pretty likely we’ll be heading somewhere new by the time fall rolls around again. I’m trying to learn from my past failures. Really, I am. I know now that the warm-and-fuzzies of new connections will eventually fade, and that it requires effort and commitment to establish lasting bonds. I know now that although risking rejection might make me very uncomfortable, and experiencing rejection does indeed suck big-time, there’s no real intimacy without a willingness to be vulnerable. And I know now that when I really put myself out there, put my heart and soul into a relationship or my blog or a song or whatever, it might not inspire the kind of response I’m hoping for. In fact, it might not inspire any response. But community isn’t just about what I can get from others. Perhaps it’s more about what I can offer others. Maybe that’s the point I’ve been missing all along.
So I think for 2011, I’ll keep my focus there, on offering the very best of myself to every engagement. If that doesn’t work, then at least I’ll know for sure what I’ve suspected all along: It’s everyone else’s fault! ;0)
I’ve had a problem with having friends ever since we moved to our current location. I’ve tended to work at smaller companies and the type of work I do has kept me somewhat isolated from others, but it’s partly been me that’s kept me isolated, too. My wife has made a lot of close friends in the community now, which is partly why she wasn’t to jazzed when I was laid off last year and talked about moving to wherever I could find work.
I lament my lack of close friends, but reading your post, I realized that my close high school friends, we kept those relationships up because we saw each other all the time. We don’t talk but a couple of times per year now despite some having lived in town off and on. But I realize now that if I want to make and grow connections & community, I’m responsible for doing that. Making the time to get out there and be with people. Warm fuzzies of new relationships are good, but they’re nothing compared to the stability and strength of long-term friendships.
Thanks for writing this. As a fellow introvert, i think i can understand how hard it is to build relationships with new people. Sometimes I’m not even sure what a community is, perhaps other than a disjointed group of people brought together by one thing. Sort of like a series of Venn diagrams with some parts that overlap and others that are completely separate and on the edge. But intimacy, to me at least, *is* vulnerability. It’s expectations that screw things up.
@Sam: Jobs, wives, moving… It certainly can be tough to keep everything together and still find the time and energy for community building. Tough, but doable. I hope!
@AnnMarie: Thank YOU, for taking the time to comment. From one introvert to another – Cheers!
Bob, you can do it! I have! No seriously, I used to think I was a total introvert. I was a lot of fun and outgoing in some situations, but overall social settings freaked the crap out of me. Things are starting to make more sense as to the why of that for me now. Regardless, it’s possible. And you’re right… it’s about risking the vulnerability. Which is so worth the payoff. From the sounds of it, you have a lot to offer people. You have to believe that solidly first.
@CreativelySensitive: Thanks for the encouragement!
Your last sentence there made me chuckle. :) I know exactly what you mean about the fleeting sense of community. I’ve experienced that over and over, with classes and workshops and what have you. I think it takes a very short time to establish a sense of community among people who are willing, and a very long time to establish a permanent bond. Both things are fine and have their place, it’s just a matter of what you want out of the experience.
@Wei: Good points! I tend to focus too much on the fading away of the warm-and-fuzzies, and not enough on how nice it felt while the magic sparkled. Thanks for the reminder.
I moved to L.A. over a year and a half ago and still 90% of my friends, acquaintences and dating possibilities are my brother’s friends. I try to meet people but I’m terrible at it. In social settings I tend to turn inward to the one or two friends I am with instead of being inviting to others who might otherwise jump into the conversation. This is why I cannot remember the last date I went on- you can only date/hang with/sleep with so many of your brother’s friends before it starts to be a problem. This is why I am dependent on a small, select circle to get me off my couch on a Friday night. This is why I am lonely in the city I love.
Here’s to stepping out of our comfort zones in 2011! We are running out of time before the dreaded 2012. Better make the best of it!
Disclaimer- I do not really believe the world is going to end in 2012. But maybe if I start acting like I do believe it I will get better at seizing the day.
@Brooke Farmer: Good to know I’m not the only one pretending to believe that the world is going to end in 2012! I also appreciate the solidarity and encouragement about busting out of our shells in 2011. AND, last but not least, I appreciate all of the posts you’ve shared on your site. Thoughtful, honest, and glowing with all the good stuff of life. Thanks!