Let Go

Reverb 10 Prompt (from Alice Bradley): What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Come on Alice, that’s not fair. I’ve already blogged like, thirty-nine times about turning forty, and nobody wants to hear anymore about it! But what can an old guy do. The expiration date on my youth is only a week past, so maybe it’ll be okay to go there one more time. So for now, keeping in mind I always reserve the right to ramble off in any direction imaginable, I’ll give some further consideration to the letting go of my youth.

Okay. Fuck that. I changed my mind already. I don’t want to let go. What’s the next prompt?

Alright, that was a bit rash. But “youth” is just too broad, too amorphous to get my arms around (and then let go of). I suppose everything I write over the course of this month will boil down, in the final analysis, to my big blobby issues, like that I don’t want to die and that I want everyone to love me and all that crap, but what I’m resisting right now is digging into the specifics, the nitty gritty of it all. Like Friday night, for instance. A favorite local band of mine, Transportation, was playing at The Reservoir, and I met up with Eric for a rare night out. I hadn’t seen Eric for a while. He had just returned from a few weeks of touring with his band, Minor Stars. Shit, there are already too many layers for me to keep track of. You see, until a few months ago, Minor Stars was also my band. I quit because I couldn’t go on this fall tour. Because I didn’t have the time and energy even to continue practicing every week and playing local shows. Because I had so many other projects I wanted to pursue. Because I couldn’t afford to quit my full-time day job. Because I had to support my wife while she finished up her Ph.D. Because my wife was about to go on the job market and we’d probably be moving away. Because being a rock star is Eric’s dream, not mine. Because I was avoiding facing my own destiny.

The Reservoir was where I played my first local show with Minor Stars, back in August of 2009. I’ve got the pictures to prove it! (I’m the bass player, the elder of the group who at that point was just three months shy of thirty-nine. Oh to be young again…) The Reservoir was also the club where I played my last show with Eric’s and my first band, My Dear Ella. That was back in 2003, and I remember thinking then, “This is it. I’m letting all this go. It’s really over.” Then I moved out of state to be with my girlfriend, now wife, who was just beginning her Ph.D. program at that point. Five years went by and we moved back here to Chapel Hill for my wife’s year of dissertation writing. You see, digging into the specifics can be dizzying as hell.

So it’s Friday night, as in the night before last, and I meet up with Eric at The Reservoir to see Transportation. We’ve been going to Transportation shows together on and off for that past ten years. Ten years! And they still rock. Eric and I grabbed a couple of beers and caught up. The Minor Stars fall tour was a success, but things didn’t work out with the new bass player, the guy who replaced me. I told Eric that, of course, I would be happy to step in if he needed me to play a really important local show. After all, as it turned out, my wife didn’t get an academic position for this fall, so it looks like we’ll be in town for a while longer than expected. And then there’s always the possibility that she will get a job around here, and then, well, who knows…

You see, that’s the fucked up thing. I did let go of Rock and Roll this year! I swear, I really did! And I have the video to prove it! It was on June 3rd, my last last show, at the local NBC television station. It was a tough night. I had just separated my right shoulder a few days before, so I was in some pain. I was sad to be leaving the band. I was terrified of those damned TV cameras. I had finally come to terms with the fact that Rock and Roll is a young person’s game. It’s done. Buried. I’m old now. It’s official. Bobby D. has left the building. Total letting go to commence in 10, 9, 8, …

Ahhh… All better now. Now, what to do with the rest of the afternoon? How about a little session with the old guitar. We’re talking an acoustic guitar mind you. Don’t want to disturb the neighbors. Yeah, there’s nothing like rocking out… er, I mean strumming out some nice folk/adult contemporary music on a Sunday afternoon.

I wonder what I’ll let go of next year?