Don’t get me wrong—I love kids. In fact, if I’m at a family gathering, I spend far more time playing with the kids than I do schmoozing with the adults. I gotta say though, I’m finding that the mere fact that I’ve chosen to be childless (at least for now) tends to push peoples’ buttons. And then, of course, my buttons get pushed and we’re on like Donkey Kong. Having kids seems to be at the very heart of many peoples’ value systems, and thus my very existence can make some uneasy. It’s kinda like being a non-believer surrounded by religious people (also true in my case, but that’s another story).
It seems to me that—among well-educated secular/moderate types at least—parenting is simply a lifestyle choice. My friends and relatives who have kids made a conscious decision to have them, presumably because they wanted to be parents. And I don’t have kids because I don’t want to spend my time parenting. It’s as simple as that. Yet, when I’m asked why I don’t want kids, this simple answer doesn’t usually suffice. The thing that really burns my ass (or frosts my balls, depending on the weather) is when one of these baby-mommas or papas says or implies that my decision to be childless somehow reflects selfishness or self-centeredness on my part. Seriously, if I hear this from one more father out there I just might kick his baby-makers up through his eye-sockets.
I may decide tomorrow or next year that I do indeed want to be a Daddy, but a sudden conversion to selflessness wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Just who do we have kids for? It can’t be for the kid, because he or she doesn’t exist yet. If selflessness is the ideal, then why not focus your time and energy on the suffering people already on the planet, at least on the little ones. Oh wait, I know…. Because they’re not your people, your little ones. They’re not part of you, in other words. Who’s selfish now! Who the hell am I talking to?
What got me going on all this is my place of work, an office at the local university. Most of my coworkers have kids, so there’s an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding when it comes to taking time off for the “sake of the children.” And boy oh boy do people take advantage of this little perk. I cannot recall a single week in the four months I’ve been here when one or more of my office-mates didn’t spend significant chunks of their forty “work” hours either at home or on several-hour-long lunch breaks, ostensibly tending to the needs of their children. Coincidentally, Fridays and Mondays seem to be the days the kids catch those pesky viruses. Now, I have no doubt that parenthood is demanding, and that kids really do get sick, even on Fridays and Mondays. There can be little doubt, however, that folks here are playing the kid card in some questionable situations. Hell, if I could use this no-questions-asked ticket to time off whenever I felt like it, it would be mighty tempting to cash in on those painful mornings following a crappy night’s sleep, or when I needed to get my car fixed or go to the post office.
So, if having kids is a matter of how a person chooses to live his or her life, then why am I getting screwed out of all this work-time flexibility? “I’ve had a song forming in my head all night, boss. I need to stay home today and get some basic tracks recorded.” I guess somebody has to be here to do the work while the mothers are mothering and the fathers fathering. “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own” is what they tell me. It’s always “when” and not “if.” I think I understand pretty well, though. Sharing a value system is really important to people. It’s important to me, too. Lately, I’m trying to focus more on the common ground I share with people, and it’s nice to feel connected.
But I still wouldn’t mind an occasional Friday off to take care of what matters most to me: [Deleted expletive]
If you had kids you’d have to change it from head the gong to change the diapers. I respect your choice and am sorry that religious parents (like me) have bummed you out about that choice. I have had to leave early or go in late on occasion (3 or 4 a year), but then again I also do way more than 40 hours a week (so count your blessings on that). My vacation time is for birthdays, family trips (to see other family and their kids) – so I have ZERO time to work on music or writing or even reading a single book. I do not regret your decision – but I do have to think some parents (even those looking down their nose at you) are jealous. All things we do in life are selfish – every thought, action and even “selfless” act is at root selfish. But we need to have that philosophical discussion over a few beers.
– G$ in ATL (catch you on FB)
Gil,
I’m all for some beer talk! Especially with you man, as I appreciate the fact that you have a different perspective than I do on some things.
The funny thing is, I love kids, and most people that know me tell me “You’d be the best father!” And I also value the “spiritual” dimension of life more than most folks I come across, but without following a particular religion. I think being here in the South it’s particularly striking to me how different I am than the folks I’m working with. My coworkers seem to take for granted that everyone: 1) is a Christian, and 2) wants to be a parent. Now that I’ve been there a few months, they’re starting to realize that my value system looks a little different that theirs. And I guess that difference is making both me and (some of) them a little uneasy.
This is understandable though, and I’m really trying to emphasize the common ground I share with people, and that seems to help.
Sometimes, on a lonely Saturday like this, I envy you and the other family men of the world. Other times, I think to myself “My life rules!” One never knows what might happen down the road. A lot depends on my wife. If she were to get enthusiastic about kids, my attitude might change dramatically.
Peace out, and have a great weekend.
I’m with VanOrder — and you. I think all the choices we make are selfish. Abraham Lincoln thought so too. (disclosure, I have no kids, but we’ve started trying)
A lot of people with kids had them because of the pressure. Most had them because they WANTED them. A lot of parents, like the famous Mom of Fourteen, are CLEARLY selfish, because they expect us to pay for their well-being.
This said, if becoming a parent doesn’t change your life, you’re probably a jerk. It’s no longer you first. It’s Kids First. To make matters worse, the little angels are the most selfish people on the planet, what a way to start a relationship!!!
So, I think Gil is on to something — could be a lot of parents are envious. All the more reason to examine your motives honestly before having children.
I’ve also noticed a very wide spectrum of parental attitudes toward their kids starting from when I was a kid in Brunswick. Some parents seemed to see their kids as annoying parasites that were only useful to them if they could get them to do serious work (even if it meant skipping school!) while others seemed to live only for their children. Some parents (esp. young, single ones) seem to want to be best pals with their kids, while others only want to be the stern ruler. It’s all very confusing, and anything but cut-and-dry. I think you are also on to something with the idea that you cause psychic dissonance with some parents. If they’re so happy, why the need to convert you?
Most of the nice things I do for others is either to feel good about myself, please God, or ingratiate myself to others – and, as you say, the kids don’t even EXIST yet, so I wouldn’t be doing it for them.
But you treading on dangerous politcal ground, where you cannot win. I’ll send you one of my Kids Last bumper stickers. We’ll see how long you last.