Try

Reverb 10 Prompt (from Kaileen Elise): What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

I typically don’t go for it. That’s just the way it is. The way I am. I hate to admit such things, but I gotta fess up. My tendency is to wait until “it,” whatever it may be, comes back around again, when I’ll ostensibly be better prepared to do “it” well. I must know, in advance you see, that going for it will result in it going the way I want it to go. Got it? Otherwise, my default response to opportunity in general is, “I’m not ready just yet, but I’ll go for it once I am ready.” I’m never ready. And so my trips out of the comfort zone have almost always been the result of a two-handed shove from behind. 2010 wasn’t any different in that regard, as my mother-in-law more or less shoved an acoustic guitar into my hands, gave me a look that impressed itself upon me like a shotgun barrel to the temple, and then sat back with the rest of her family to hear me play and sing. Incredibly, this was first time anyone in the room, except for my wife, had ever heard — in person — the sound of my singing voice, and these are people who have known me for ten years.

I bought my first guitar in San Francisco when I was twenty-four years old. I took to it like a duck to water, and within a few weeks I could play a handful of cover songs. A few months later I was getting feedback like, “Hey, I just happened to be standing outside your door and heard you playing. You have a really nice voice. You should play at the open mic on Friday nights.”

No, no, no, no… I’m not ready for that yet. I need more practice.

About a year after that, one of my new roommates knocked on my bedroom door, came in and said, “Dude! You never told me you play guitar and sing! Sounds awesome man. Look, I’m getting a band together and we need a singer. You wanna come to practice tomorrow night and jam?”

Ummm… Thanks dude. That’s cool man, but the thing is, I’m really swamped with grad school stuff right now, but maybe after the semester’s over…

Fast forward about ten years. Christmas in San Antonio, 2006. My wife’s incredible family, all huddled up in the giant living room making merry. The acoustic guitar is being passed around to any and everyone who can play. The atmosphere is one of total acceptance, regardless of how “good” a given performance is. By the time the guitar gets to my corner of the room, I’m conspicuously absent. I’m hiding out in the guest house, kicking myself for not being ready to seize the moment, for not practicing more the weekend before the trip.

I’ll be ready next year.

The guitar was indeed passed around in 2007, and in 2008, and in 2009, and each time when it came my turn I just happened to be in the guest house, hiding. Next year, right? Sadly, no. My wife’s grandfather — the reason we’ve all been gathering in San Antonio every Christmas — passed away on January 4th of this year. The house was sold shortly after. So many wonderful memories, but no one will remember the sound of my voice joining in the joyful chorus, because I did what I’ve always done — I held back. But that’s just Bob being Bob. Bob is a shy one, let me tell you. Painfully shy. When he was a kid he never, not once, called a friend or knocked on a friend’s door to say, “Wanna play?” You see, the only way he could be sure that they wanted to play is if he waited for them to call him. So that’s what he did. Fortunately his friends weren’t so shy. In high school, Bob asked exactly one girl out, because he was given 100% assurance from his friends that this girl wanted him to ask her to the prom. When he finally asked, with voice trembling and knees knocking, she politely declined. He never asked another girl out. Ever. This explains why he dated exactly three women (including his wife) in his entire life.

But Bob, …er I mean “I”, I did eventually call up a few friends, and I eventually kissed a girl, lost my virginity, got married, and — after 15 years — finally did play my guitar and sing in front of a live audience. It was in April of this year. Forget about the fact that I had played in bands for years. Bass players can easily hide behind the front-person, which is what I did. Playing guitar and singing solo is a whole different ball game. It’s true that I had been getting progressively less shy with putting my music up on my blog. Of course, no one was visiting my blog, so I wasn’t being terribly courageous in that respect. But then I started doing the Facebook thing (the first time I ever used my real name online), and suddenly a handful of friends and family members were actually paying attention to what I was doing. In April I posted a video of me covering a Dan Auerbach (of The Black Keys) song. People watched it and “liked” it. A week or two later I found myself on my mother-in-law’s porch, her giving me the guitar and the shotgun glare, and I couldn’t very well bow out with my usual “I don’t know any songs” excuse. They all knew damn well that I could play “Trouble weighs a ton.” Still, I didn’t feel like I was ready to do it well enough, not right there with everyone watching. But I did it. And things haven’t been the same since.

I’m a coward, I know. An absolute, fucking chicken-shit coward. Who knows why I am the way I am, why I waited all these years. It’s not like I haven’t been continuously pushing myself and growing as a person for a long time, but for whatever reason, I didn’t go for this particular “it” until this year. I just don’t know why it took me so long. But I finally sang my song. Well, technically it’s Dan Auerbach’s song, but I’m working on playing my own songs. I even posted a video of one just last week as part of my “11 Things” Reverb 10 response. Yeah, I’m almost ready to play my own songs live. Just need a little more practice. A little more time.

Next week will be the first Christmas in many years I won’t be in San Antonio. Where am I going to be? You guessed it: At my mother-in-law’s house.