“Bob” is a palindrome. So is “rise to vote sir,” but strangely this just wasn’t enough to get me to the polls today. Truth is, I don’t care who wins any of the races here in Fayette County, Kentucky. There, I said it. I don’t care. Bill Hicks nailed it when he said: “I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. ‘I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.’ ‘I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.’ ‘Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!'”
I wanted to care. I really did. I even went online this morning to read up on the various candidates’ positions. Not only did I have a hard time making sense of the issues and discerning differences between positions, but every one of these people struck me as fake, plastic, and utterly unworthy of my endorsement. So, I watched some clips of Family Guy on YouTube while I drank the rest of my coffee.
I know what you’re thinking. I can see those fingers wagging at me: “You have no right to complain since you didn’t make your voice heard!” The trouble is, my voice was saying, “I don’t care! These people make me sick!” How better to express such a sentiment than by not voting.
Everytime I saw a slimy, negative campaign ad on TV, I said to myself “I will not vote for anyone who endorses such garbage.” By the time election day rolled around, there was no one left who didn’t stink like a dumpster. I just have no stomach for the abject inauthenticity I’ve seen on display for the past several weeks. While I was typing the last sentence, they announced the results for Mayor of Lexington on the local news and showed some footage of the new mayor’s victory speech. The guy’s been mayor for ten minutes and he’s already reading his speeches. Can’t these fucking androids just speak from their hearts? I’m sorry, but I feel better for having taken no part in this.
In 2004, I voted for John Kerry even though I found him repugnant. It was a vote against the other guy, nothing more. Had there been a Nazi or a rapist on the ballot, maybe I would’ve stood in line today to hold back the greater of two evils. In fact, despite all this vitriol, an hour before the polls closed I was still considering voting against some people. I was doing my grocery shopping, a chore I do every Tuesday afternoon on the way home from work. I went to the beer aisle to pick up a six-pack (my wife and I have a little pizza-and-beer-night thing on Tuesdays) and I was met by a big sign saying “No alcohol will be sold until after the polls close at 6pm.” You gotta be kidding! That was all I needed to justify an official election day boycott, since it turns out no candidate had promised to overturn this ridiculous ordinance during their campaign.
I work in a psychiatric hospital, and when a patient gets out of control, we often present him or her with a choice: “You can either walk to the ‘quiet area’ or else we’ll have to escort you there.” Now, a fifteen year old kid who’s been institutionalized her whole life is apt to respond with a “Fuck you!” and a gob of spit. She knows when a choice is not really a choice. She can see the guy in the white coat holding up both puppets.