David Jon Peckinpaugh has been ruminating on Parenthood over on his blog. In his latest installment, he says:
“I have been wondering again about being a Parent and how I received the Gift of Life because my Parents chose to have children… and allowed it to happen. I am specifically wondering if the choice not to have children is a breaking of Life’s Trust? After all, might we not owe an obligation to give to Life the opportunity for a new form–which is what each of us has received? Of course, this is totally in keeping with the notion that Life Is A Gift. If we view Life as a Gift then we will want to share that Gift.”
Interesting… I’ve never thought about my choice to be childless in these terms. I guess I don’t think of life as a gift. I don’t think my parents looked at their decision to have kids in that way either. I think they wanted to raise children and enjoy family life mainly because that was how they wanted to live their lives. I don’t know for sure though. I’ll have to ask them about it. This goes back to the whole “self-centeredness” thing. I always bristle when someone suggests (as they often do) that it’s self-centered to not have kids. After the fact, once the child is born, it’s true that it would be hard to be self-centered and be a good parent. The question is, What’s the motivation to have a child in the first place? You’re the first, David Jon, I’ve heard talk about “giving the gift of life.” Most people seem to want something for themselves, i.e. the wonderful, deeply meaningful experience of being a parent. Life may be a gift, but who’s the gift for? It’s my feeling that the vast majority of humans are at a self-centered stage of personal development when they decide to procreate, and thus they look at the newborn child as a gift—for themselves. This is evident in the language most people use to describe the decision (i.e. “I want to have a baby” or “I want to be a father”). And like a child who gets bored with his Christmas toys by February, too many parents remain self-centered and leave kids feeling neglected, unwanted and unloved.
Of course, someone who decides to have children from a place of relative selflessness will look at and experience parenthood from a relatively selfless perspective. But then again, childlessness can also be viewed and experienced from a relatively selfless perspective. After all, there are millions of children (and adults) already in the world who could use some attention, so one need not create a new being in order to bestow gifts. And the ultimate gift, as I see it, is not life, but love. I could get my balls blown off in a minefield (ouch!) and still give love. And I can give it to anyone at anytime.
I don’t know, David Jon, what goes into the decision to create life, because I haven’t made that decision. But I have made the conscious decision (every time I put on a condom) to not create life, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m withholding a gift from anyone. The truth is, I’m not sure why I don’t want a child (for now at least). That’s why I’m having this discussion with you. Thanks for that.